Perception -- is it really everything?!

Well, the best laid plans…, And so on and so on and Scooby dooby do on…, and all of that…

My original intent, and still my primary focus, is to use this “blog” as the place to get my stories – finally – about motherhood and mothering, and life with my sons, out of the cobwebs of my mind and onto “paper”. However, things can change, can they? As a young girl growing up in the late ‘50’s and ‘60’s, I was encouraged to believe that a woman’s prerogative was to change her mind. Of course, we don’t talk in non-politically correct terms anymore, but there are some old adages that are worth trying to use when one deems it appropriate.

“Perception is everything” is another adage that has seen it’s time and perhaps is passing from usage. However, I believe it to be quite true. Here’s an example: This past weekend, Paul’s youngest brother and his wife came to visit. Really a treat, and an unexpected one, too. He’s probably the only in-law that likes me, and he is definitely the only one that has made an attempt to be in my boys’ lives. (ie coming to birthdays, Eagle Scout events, graduations, etc.) He’s a great man, very witty and smart, and very talented. And, so is his wife. They’ve only been married about 3 years, and we all really like her and glad she’s a member of the family.

Well, Tom told a story about when he was still in college and was painting Adam’s room with a “Wink ‘em, Blink ‘em, and Nod” motif, complete with shooting stars. He said that I told him he reminded me of the Carly Simon song “You’re so Vain”, because I felt he must be the vainest guy I knew because every time he walked past a mirror, he looked in it, smiled, fixed his hair or something. He assured me that even today my remark still kinda stung, because he was far from vain, instead being very insecure and unsure of himself, especially in the looks department.

Deliver me!!! This was 28 years ago!!! He was the cutest of guys then and is still a nice looking man at 50! Not only is he a good looking man, he only looks about 40! Unfair! And he was walking by the mirror checking himself out because he was afraid he was a dork. Who would have believed that!!! I perceived Tom to really have it all together – and knowing what to do with it!!! Then, it’s the perception was everything to me, but nothing to him.

However, in observing my 4 sons, who are the biological sons of me and Paul, been raised in the same house (we didn’t farm any of them out, promise!!), one can’t help but notice they are 4 of the most different men I know. They were raised by a mother that read the books about children’s self-esteem and tried her best to make sure the other people in their lives at least heard of some of the positive techniques. (I’m sorry, Stephen. Nothing could change your Paw Paw making “wah-h-h-h, wah-h-h-h” noises and horrible faces when you cried. Talk about self-esteem issues.) While I wondered, even worried, about them growing up with such well-defined egos they would believe they were invincible and unbeatable, and not depend on God enough, they are not as self-assured as I want them to be. Yes, I know I have one son that knows he’s “Superman” or at least is every girl’s “Knight in Shining Armor”, but that’s not what I’m talking about.

It’s the perception thing, still. It’s what I “perceived” I wanted them to be vs. what I “perceive” them as being today. I wanted them to grow up to be ready to tackle the world – to be ready to do anything and be able to do anything. Can they not do that? It was my perception that they would grow up to be successful, rich businessmen. Granted, while two of them are still young enough to be in college, none of them is quite what I perceived them to be. Hm-m-m-m…What then is successful? What is rich? Successful with money, with women, with God, with themselves… Rich in these same parameters… How shallow can I be! On the other hand, how normal is that for mothers? What did I perceive would be the “right thing” for them?

Again, it’s all a perception thing. As I was writing this down, trying to put my thoughts into some logical order, attempting erudition and eloquence, I began to read it aloud to two of my sons. Quietness ensued, and then my critical son – known to me as “my worst critic” -- bellowed this long, extended, LOUD Burp! Perception truly is everything. Some things never change and some adages are “truisms” always.