"Let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start."

Motherhood

Sorry guys (i.e. the men folk), but you’ll never understand it, appreciate it, or comprehend it. And girls, you too will never fully grasp the true scope and sequence of the word unless you join the ranks of motherhood.


Mothering

Yes, and while it is both a noun and a verb, it is a term that should not /never be compared or confused with Smothering. While many of us have felt the two were often synonymous, they are not. In fact, they are truly polars apart. I have so many people in my life to thank for helping me learn the fine art of “Mothering,” and while I have tried to share this knowledge with many other women, not all women have been receptive. Of course, there are many, many levels of mothering, many kinds of mothering and we shouldn’t be “judgmental” of those who “do it” differently. HOWEVER, thankfully, there were women who risked my non-acceptance of them and their ideas to share with me a lifestyle of mothering/loving/nurturing/parenting my children that I embraced. I would have been far less of a mother if I would have followed the traditional mores of the late 70’s and early 80’s, and I never would have had the chance to have the relationship with my now grown children that I so cherish.


Mother

On June 25, 1979, at 11:11 am, a nurse placed into my arms my first-born son for me to hold for the first time. He was a wanted and welcomed baby. I was 25 yrs old, my husband 30; but my parents were 58 and70! And this was their first grandchild! Wanted and welcomed, to say the very least! Here’s your baby. He’s yours. It’s your turn to take care of him. The interesting part of this baby-holding experience is that he was the very first baby I had ever held! Really!?!? You’ve got to be kidding, you say. No, truly I avoided babies altogether. I hadn’t baby-sat as a teenager like my friends. I was career-minded and didn’t have many friends that were “mommies”. I didn’t have any nieces or nephews that I had known as babies. I wasn’t really the baby type at all. And NOW, what is this cute little red-headed doll someone has placed in my arms that has IMMEDIATELY stolen my heart.

Paul and I had long decided on a more “natural” kind of existence. He was already the “live on an island”-type of guy, and was pulling me – oh, I mean encouraging me -- along into this lifestyle. We were learning to do without many trendy gadgets, opting for more homespun. We had decided that I would be a “stay-at-home” mom, and while I definitely knew that was the right thing to do, there were many other avenues, where I wasn’t going along very well, yet. We desired to have a 70’s style of natural childbirth, complete with daddy in the delivery room and mother-infant bonding via nursing on the delivery table. (These were still very big issues in the late 70’s. Few drs in our area were compliant.) Thankfully, the JERK that was my OB went out of town, and another dr, that seemed not to care what we did, was on call. Of course, we still had to follow the most conservative rules of the hospital (wearing masks and gloves to hold the baby, etc.), but we had a successful experience of sorts.

Finally, back to the mothering part. Let’s face it. I had no clue what I was doing. I don’t know how that could have been correct, however. Why, I had read ALL of the books available at the time whether they were good or not. I wanted to know it all. (The teacher/learner in me!) I was going to be a well-educated mother. Of course, a lot of that book-learning isn’t important, because we all know that this mothering thing is “natural.” All I had to do is follow my instincts. NOT! NOT! NOT! What a joke. Who ever told that lie, and got us all to believe it, was good! But, it is still a lie. I simply had no clue what to do.


Mothered

And, how dare he! This little beautiful red-headed doll wasn’t by Mattel after all. He was a live real baby. AND, he did not follow ANY of the rules in the books. He couldn’t tell time! He didn’t know how to follow a schedule! He wasn’t doing things the “right way”. Again, how dare he! He was messing up! Then, I “obviously” didn’t have enough milk, or my milk was “bad”. Why, this baby needed formula. Now it was ME messing up. I couldn’t even do this “naturally instinctive” mothering stuff. What was wrong with me? Well, perhaps this is all of the best, they said. That way we could give the baby a bottle, and I could go back to work and use this wonderful education I had instead of wasting it by staying home and becoming dumb.


Motherhood 101

La Leche League came to my rescue. Such an interesting bunch of nutty-as-a-fruitcake women, but with an idea, and a “brand’ or mothering that appealed to my “natural instincts.” Their battle cries of “baby the baby while it’s a baby, and you won’t have to baby the adult”, or “no one knows what is best for your baby like you do because no one know y our baby as well as you do”, became my mantras. All of the wacky ideas that seemed “natural and instinctive” to Paul and I, but the books and the doctors said were “wrong” or “harmful” or “potentially” something or other bad, we discovered weren’t so wacky anyway. There were many people and many doctors that found our particular type of mothering / parenting not only appropriate, but also nurturing, bonding, cultivating, and just downright, the RIGHT way to approach this mothering.

SO, first we threw away the clocks, then we forgot schedules, then we didn’t look at the calendar, and settled into simply loving our baby. Of course, we were now attempting to swim up stream amid raised eyebrows, scornful looks and acrid, crass remarks and opinions. Oh yes, in due time, we decided to risk further disdain and we even threw away the baby bed. I “scooched” over into the middle of our bed and made room for the baby and FINALLY we all got to sleep, to rest, and to snuggle, and to bond, and most importantly, to -- love!

Ah, Mothering!!